This is what I think about people worried their songs will get ripped off...

Just a little picture fueled by boredom 

I guess I should add that I'm a songwriter.  Some people got so fearful of getting screwed over that they wouldn't know a golden opportunity if it slapped them across the throat.  Most people who are super scared of getting screwed out of the mythical great fortune their shitty little song is gonna make them some day -- they aren't talented enough to write a hit song, they just enjoy songwriting, and THAT'S COOL, BRO!  Good.  Good for you.  

Sometimes, I also feel like the guy on stage.  Blargh.

How To Sleep At Work

The Medical Emergency technique in action

Don't be a Skro, we've all been there... You're really tired and maybe you don't want to drink coffee because caffein isn't good for you.  You think to yourself, "I wish I wasn't at work so I could take a nap." If you're a scumbag Skro who decides you are going to take a nap on someone else's dime, here are some helpful tips to keep you from getting fired if you get caught.

The Medical Emergency | I'm proud of myself for coming up with this jewel... You can sleep anywhere any time.  All you have to do is sleep in a funy position and if the boss happens by, just ask them how long you were out.  In fact, you might just get the rest of the day off or a free ride in a fast flashing manbulance.

The Prayer | Now, I can't sleep sitting up straight, but I've sure as hell worked with people who could, so I know you're out there. This one's very simple... when they shake you or ask you if you're sleeping, just raise your head and softly say, "amen."

The Migraine | This one is pretty fool proof -- unless you snore I guess.  And I know what you're thinking,

Google's Nap Room

"Snoring would be a dead give away that you're not praying too," and well, that's a good point.  For this one, you put your face in your hands and rub your temples when you are woken.  If anyone has a problem with your short little nap, just tell them you were closing your eyes because you've got a migrain.

Okay, I feel like a scum bag skro for coming up with this junk.  I don't really advise you use these tactics... your boss isn't stupid and you'll be out of a job pretty quickly if you get busted.  You're better off being ethical about your napping... go to your car during lunch and set an alarm.  It's the only way to legitimately take a nap at work.

If only I could convince my employer to be more like Google...

How to Cope

Today hasn't been great.  I left my reading glasses at home -- which means I have to make do with my cheap OTC readers that give me a head ache.  I work on a computer, so all I do all day is read and write.  Then, I've had some big requests about things I'm not very familiar with from my clients.  When you combine these two small problems with my normal baseline stressor of "Oh my God!  How am I ever going to make more money?!" I start finding myself getting pretty distracted at work.  Maybe you're thinking, "My God! This kid doesn't know the meaning of stress -- I just had a testiculectomy, my wife left me, and I got fired this morning.  Where's my gun?"  You don't need this article --you need immediate professional help.  I'm talking about the relative stress that mildly affects my day for which I feel there should be solutions, and there are, so let's get into them.

Breath The Light | I read about this a long time ago when I was in a similar mood and wound up running across this breathing exercise where you imagine that you're breathing in a pure white light, and you image that you exhale dirty brown used up energy, basically, and definitely put into my own words.  Here's a good link for this technique: http://www.totallyzen.com/breathing-exercises-to-train-the-mind.html

Find A Little Happiness | I find myself looking at my life on the macro level -- constantly focused on where this project is headed and why I haven't had the next BIG accolade for my efforts.  After a while, I get caught up in it all and I find that I have to manually reset my mind to look instead at the little things in my life as a source for my happiness.  Really, I should point out that our happiness comes from within.  It's the cheesy truth.  But, what does that really even mean?  It means we ultimately choose our own state of mind.  In order for some event to cause us to become stressed, we have to allow it.

In order to kick negativity to the curb, I do a little exercise I came up with:

• Close your eyes and breath gently. 
• Ask yourself what you need.  Really ask yourself!  I find the answer is always a level below my usual expectation. So, if I'm disappointed that I haven't been promoted as I feel I deserve, I might find it helpful to realize I'd be happy with just the knowledge that I have a job that doesn't require mass exposure to the elements while committing hard labor.  If I didn't have a job, maybe I should just be thankful for the food that comes my way and have shelter of any kind.
• Think of 3 things that bring you joy.   I know what it's like to be engrossed in whatever it is bugging you, but let go of it for just a moment and take the time to visualize the things in your life you value the most.  If you really can't think of anything, you're beyond my help and should seek out a professional.

Own Your Problems | I don't know at what point I stopped running from and avoiding my problems, but my life has been infinitely better.  When you avoid a problem, that problem has time to fester into a much bigger problem until it seems absolutely insurmountable.  However, the sooner you deal with the problem, the sooner you can shed that extraneous stress from your life.  Let's look at some hypothetical examples:

• I think my boss is going to fire me because I know that she knows that I know that she knows... whoa is me.  Work is stressful enough without the insecurity of not knowing where you stand with your boss.  Write down your concerns, and then communicate those professionally with him/her.  Get it out in the open.  I mean, don't incriminate yourself.  If you've been embezzling from your company for the past 15 yrs, sit down, shut up, and eat your stress because you deserve it.  That's not great advice I just gave there.  Don't embezzle.
• My wife is doing that thing where she's short and has a tone in her voice like she's angry at me about something.  Send your woman an email and let her choose how to respond.  Writing out your problems is a lot easier than having to verbalize it.  Maybe something big is going under the surface of your relationship, and then again, maybe she's just really getting tired of telling you to take out the trash.  Usually when you find out what it is, it's not as bad as your suspicions so SPEAK UP!
• I'm in WAAAAY over my head on this project.  Write down your questions, and then communicate them to people who can help.  I find that following the chain of command on this works great!  In other words, talk first with a co-worker who's been where you're at, and seek out their advice.  Then, go to your supervisor (or go there first if it feels safe).  Just make sure you've researched the problem first.  You can't just have other people doing your job for you -- that's not fair.  

Okay, hopefully you'll find that these tips work for you just as they've worked for me.  Good luck out there... and if you've found this blog post looking for help because you're suicidal, don't be retarded.  You can find happiness and peace building homes for habitat for humanity, not making any money -- doing good for others is something that is so rewarding some people have found it truly addictive.  Hang in there.  Go volunteer at a soup kitchen... you'll be helping people which feels wonderful, and you'll also probably see that there are a lot of people out there with problems well worse than yours and have learned to cope just fine.

PR Hustler: The Music March

I write and perform several types of music, and I'm coming up with creative ways to raise awareness of my music with my local Birmingham, AL audience.  One way to help yourself is to help others... so, I've been thinking along those lines.  I don't want to use others to get my name out there, but there are ways to help others and build your own brand stock.

Yesterday, I came up with several ideas, but one of them stood out from the bunch.  I had an idea to essentially organize a march of musicians to raise money for charity.  I'm envisioning several clusters of Acoustic Guitars walking down the street gaining attention for themselves and raising money for charity with each step taken and each note strummed...

Here's how my idea breaks down:

• Name It | I've got a name tucked under my hat.
• Set a Date | Look out into the future and pick out a Saturday morning at whatever time your morning news stations crank up.  
• Build an informational website | There just needs to be info about the project and include printable promotional flyers as well as specif dates, entry forms, etc.
• Choose Board Members | This is an important step in order to plan out specific details and delegate certain responsibilities such as Treasury, Media, etc.
• Choose the Charity | There are lots of charities to choose from, just take a look around and see what talks to your heart.
• Get the Musicians On Board | Start with the musicians you see working the hardest around town and approach them with the idea and see what they say.  They may want to team up with you, or they will AT LEAST likely be willing to help spread the word with other musicians.  
• Work the PR | Send out lots of press releases and make phone calls to radio/tv stations and newspapers and ask them to support your project.  
• After Party | Organize an after party for the people who donated their time and efforts in order to give back.  

It's a simple enough idea, and I think it would be easy to get companies and individuals to show support for the event.  Also, in the process, you would become fully ingrained into your local scene... meeting cool people you just don't know about yet, rubbing elbows with the shakers and movers by BEING a shaker and a mover.

This is just a thought at the moment, but maybe if enough people would be interested in putting on an event like this, I think it would be great PR.

Cube-Life: Recipes

What's up, my fellow Skros?!  I come to you today bearing the gift of new age modern living motha f[rea]king foodable lunch solutions!!! *...and the crowd goes wild...*  Too much slang-typing?  I agree.  I guess what I meant to say is, "Here are some delicious and affordable recipes for your next lunchtime."

Outsourced Bowl | This is one of my favorite Indian-ish cuisines.  In fact, I literally just ate it and am regretting the fact I didn't take pictures to share with you.  Oh well, I assume you can read and visualize at the same time.

Here's what you'll need:

1. One can of Southewestern Corn (comes with peppers and black beans mixed in)
2. One single serviing of Uncle Ben's Original Rice
3. One slice of cheese
4. and a bottle of hot sauce....

Heat it up.  Mix.  Don't use the whole bottle of hot sauce... 

Work Politics Pasta | This one's so easy, just dump a drained can of "can't believe you copied my boss on this" tuna into a bowl of "cheesy clip art ridden birthday work email" easy mac.  Bon Appetit!  Mmmm....

TLDNR Soup | Ooooh, this IS one of my personal favorites.  There are two different ways you can make it. There's the "OMG, could you have fluffed up this horse shit with any more extraneous words" version, or you can do the "WTF, do you think I typed up 3 pages so I could feel good about myself?" version.  

• OMG - The first thing you'll want to do is get out your can of soup (any flavor will do), and crack open a fresh shaker of thyme.  Before you sprinkle it in, go ahead and unscrew the lid, because the goal here is to waste as much of your Thyme as possible.  Microwave.  Serve.  Tasty... Oh no's, I'm out of thyme.  
• WTF - This also starts out with a can of your preferred soup, except instead of reading the instructions, just put the can straight into the microwave.  After all, the people who spent all that time writing on your soup can were probably just a bunch of egotestical bastards, just writing a bunch of stuff to look smart, and stuff.

Maybe I got those backwards.  Awe, hell, that's enough for now, you get my point, or you're the enemy... *grimace*

Tips for working in a cubicle

I've been living, I mean working, in a cubicle for the past year, and I've learned how to make it somewhat bearable.  I thought I might take the time to share some of my knowledge on the subject...

Organize your shit | Seriously, I see people all the time who let their cubes slowly become crowded little storage units where people save that cheap shit, three old crackers in a white plastic sleeve, plastic bags from their honey bun three weeks ago, oh, and let's not forget all of the soda cans and empty red solo cups... YOUR SHIT LOOKS LIKE A FRAT HOUSE!!

Exhibit A

Seriously, we all lose perspective on our realities when we're in the throes of a stressful workday/week/month/eternity, and we can quickly forget or overlook the importance of a clean work environment.  I challenge you to take the next few minutes and clear off your space.

If you cringe inside a bit whenever anyone comes to your cubicle, have you ever stopped to consider that you might hate people seeing how big of a slob you really are?  I find that after I've straightened up my cubicle, I couldn't be any happier with the boss coming by.  I've even noticed that our conversations tend to go better when my shit's all straight...

Exhibit B

So, clear off all the clutter on your desktop, throw away the crap you don't need and organize your drawers to stow away the things you will.  Then, once you've got everything straight, spend  2 minutes to take it a step further and spray/dust everything off.  You'd be surprised at how the constant subtly negative impact of a cluttered dust-ridden work environment will weigh your back down by the weight of one more straw.

Basically, your shit's all retarded... yes, that's a quote from Idiocracy.

Everybody Feng Shui Tonight | This was probably the most helpful topic that made my life in a cubicle more manageable... I know it might not seem like it at first, but TRUST me on this.

Now, I know that technically, Feng Shui is supposed to involve some 'face this furniture towards the west' type bullshit - never mind that for now.  There are blog posts and articles all over the web on cubicle feng shui-ism, but the only one that I've found helpful is an idea of facing your work station in a way that maximizes your vision of the opening of your cubicle.

The theory behind this is simple and difficult to disagree with -- if your back is facing the opening of your cubicle, your brain will essentially always be aware of the possibility of being snuck up on by people of authority.  Even if you're not facebooking and you're genuinely focused on a task at hand, your brain still has to process the knowledge that there is a vulnerability present.  Don't fight the concept -- you can't control what your subconscious is busy thinking about...

So yeah, this tip is simple, and I've found it VERY effective.  When I first started at my job, my computer monitor and keyboard was tucked away into the corner of the desk, forcing my back to be to the entrance.  Solutions: I moved it as far to the right side as I could so that I would have at least my right-side peripheral vision to put my sub-conscience at ease that the district manager is peaking in.  I've also found that the auditory processing of my surroundings has benefited by having my right ear directly to the opening.  I really have noticed an increased ability to recognize footsteps on the approach.

Fix your lighting | Not all of you work in places cool enough to work with you on this, but I'll share a tip that has vastly improved my work-life.  I've discovered that I despise florescent lighting, so I talked with my cube mates, and they agreed that we should turn off the florescent fixtures above our desks and bring in table top lamps from home (See Exhibit B).  There is still a lot of residual light that comes in from the other ceiling fixtures, but I've got my natural light fix, so it's all good, skro.

Be Prepared for a Snow In | Well, serious shit could go down at some point in the future causing you to be forced to live out the emergency within your office, and you'll be super stoked about being prepared in that event, but that's not my real point here.  If you're prepared enough to live in your office for a couple of days, that will also mean that you won't feel pressured to go spend money when your work buddies come by and say, "Yo, Skro, you wanna go get something to eat at the most expensive place we could think of?"  If you've got a couple of your favorite meals that you can prepare in your office break-room, it won't be too hard to turn down those opportunities to spoil your budget.

One tip on this is to really take stock of the resources your company has provided.  For instance, you probably have a fridge and a microwave, but do you have a toaster and toaster oven?  I've made friends with my toasters recently, and it has VASTLY improved my lunchtime.

For instance, I like to keep my own condiments and lunch meat stocked in the fridge inside a lunchbox.  I don't carry the lunchbox from home to work every day, but instead I use it to say, "This is my shit, back off."    That way, I don't have to worry about people using up my precious jalapeno supply, and I feel more confident that it's not going to get thrown away over the weekend.  I also keep my dry goods in a food drawer at my desk.

I use all of this to make my signature hot deli sandwich:

1. Put two pieces of bread in the toaster.
2. Put a sandwich portion of lunch meat with cheese on top in the toaster oven (This is where your own foil comes in if your company doesn't keep you supplied).
3. While your meat and cheese is heating up, your bread will finish.  When it does, fix your condiments.  I also use this downtime to fix my drink, heat up some easy mac or soup, etc.  
4. When your meat's all heated up and the cheese is melted, pull it out of the toaster oven holding the foil once it's had a moment to cool (doesn't take long).  Flip it over onto the bread and close your delicious masterpiece.  
5. Enjoy your hot sandwich that you didn't have to go pay people to make for you.  It tends to have the special flavor of, "I just saved some money, bitches!"

Hack Your Subconscious | I think this one works... I hope it does.  However, even if it doesn't, it could hack the subconscious of your boss to make them view you as being in the "Employees I'm glad I hired" column.  

Here's what you do when there's something in your life that you're trying to improve.  Personally, I find that I go through cycles of hating my job.  I mean, truthfully, the only two things I want to do in life is to make a lot of money and be a professional songwriter -- sometimes I'm painfully reminded that I am not doing either.  At first glance of this topic, you might think, "That's easy, just make a sign that says, 'Get Rich and Write Kickass Songs, Srko.'"  I wish life were that simple.

No, here's my ultimate realization... I get distracted from work, and I really start not wanting to do ANY work.  While this is going on, I start catching myself complaining about my job and salary A LOT.  This is unacceptable.  The truth is that I'm lucky as shit to have my job, I like my boss and my coworkers, and it's certainly not the most stressful job I've ever had.  So, what I really need to hear (from myself) is, "WORK HARDER - COMPLAIN LESS."  So, that's what I've printed out and placed to the left of my screen.  

Like I said, this hack may or may not work with you, but at least it will appear like you're making an effort to be a better employee...  I find it's working for me, helping me to push myself to do the tasks I don't have much interest in.  After all, once those tasks are completed, I find my job is pretty damned well acceptable.

Okay, that's enough.  Hope these tips help you survive life in a corporate cube farm, Skros.  

Btw, Skro is a term from Idiocracy.  What -- Urban Dictionary backs up my usage...